Can you believe that September 2021 is almost over and that in three months, it will be 2022? Why does it still feel like March 2020?
i.
August was my first complete month of not being employed. It was a long and slow month, in a good way. For the last two years, it felt like I was a runner in a game of relay. I was panting and out of breath, trying to pass the baton ahead but never able to make contact. The next runner was always just a little further. Weeks felt like days, days blended into nights, and weekdays turned into weekends. It was all a blur.
In comparison, August felt slow. Each day was separate, distinct. There was no race. Time and I were best friends, walking side by side, taking a stroll around a lake.
ii.
Even before I had a kid, I was hoping that, if I had one, I would be able to quit my job. I was hoping for a career break coinciding with infancy and toddlerhood. I longed for front-row seats to those years, to be able to watch it unfold without the pressure of a job.
At various times during my maternity leave, I felt like not returning to the job. But I told myself that it was foolish to walk away from a well-paying job. It was foolish because of the financial implications of my decision. It was foolish because of complications from being an Indian in the US on a visa.
I also had little to no idea what my day would look like once my son was no longer a baby. It felt foolish to derail my career trajectory based on some romanticized view of mom-life.
It was that familiar tussle between the heart and the brain. My heart wanted to quit and stay home, but my brain dismissed it as impractical.
On busy workdays, while procrastinating a bug, a meeting, or an email, the idea of quitting was appealing. I dreamed about cuddles and laughter, walks in the park, reading books on the couch in our warm, cozy home. On good days, I thought of the unpaid, unappreciated, invisible work of a parent. There would be no appraisals, no promotions, no salary hikes, no pats on the back for a job well done. But every day, I thought about quitting.
I worried about not liking being home full-time. I worried about being a not-working adult and the psychological impact of that. My decision to quit conflicted with my idea of a successful life. It felt like a detour. I worried about growing old and bitter because of this one decision no one asked me to make.
2020 and everything that followed forced me to stay home and do it all. While we had family help us through most of 2020, 2021 saw us working our jobs without childcare. It was a choice, yes. But because of this choice, I got the walks, the cuddles, the laughter, the books. I also got the mess, the battles, the tantrums that come in tandem from being with a toddler full-time. I got to experience twenty-four-seven parent-life while working a full-time job that was very satisfying but also demanding more than I had to offer. I was living two lives, getting pulled in different directions multiple times a day. But with each day, I was beginning to see what brought me joy, what I’d rather be doing. My fear of not liking being home full-time was dissipating. My heart was beginning to shush my brain.
Deciding to quit took a little longer. It took a little more thought.
But I wonder if I would have still quit this year if it wasn’t for the wretched virus. If life had gone on as before, would I have saved this career break for another day, another time? I’ll never know, of course, just something I think about.
2020 forced us to contemplate, reevaluate, question our priorities, decisions, relationships, and the course of our lives. It forced us to change course, to let some things go, to hold other things tight. It changed us all and our lives one way or another. And this is how it changed mine.
iii.
On my blog, I wrote about the wildfires in California, about one particularly good day in August, and how the day felt similar to eating a slice of cake. Life looks slightly different from when I wrote this piece about leading two lives - being a mom during the day and coding at night. I am sleeping a lot more but I haven’t been napping as much I had hoped I would. Naptime feels too precious to sleep through :)
I also made a reel on Instagram. It is my first one and you can watch it here if you follow me on my personal account. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be and I hope to make more reels.
After a few months of reading only non-fiction, I read The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender and loved every bit of it. I also started reading short story collections which is an entirely new experience for me. I usually avoid them because of how disjointed it feels.
We canceled our Netflix subscription early this year but we still have Prime. We started watching Psych again maybe for the third or fourth time. There are two movies based on the series and a third one apparently finished shooting. We haven’t watched the movies yet but I hope to soon. I see a lot of debates about whether Friends was better than The Office. I love both those series but I would pick Psych over them. I also think The Office is better than Friends. What about you?
Thanks for reading. I will write again next month. Feel free to forward this to friends and family or anyone else who might like it.